A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. By October 1st, my life will look completely different than it did on August 20th: new roommate, new apartment, new relationship, new job (or at least, a new daily activity), new perspective. On top of all of that, my family is going through some stuff. The pace of change in my life since August is overwhelming. We are only halfway through September.

I am confident and secure in my identity as a strong, single and successful individual with a career in finance. I like my roommate and my apartment. If I'm really honest, I believe that my perspective on life is best. However, every one of these adjectives and circumstances have dissolved over the past couple of weeks, and I am not as strong as I thought.

When you take away all the silly things I use to define myself ("I live here, and I do this for a living, and I like to do that in my spare time")... stripped raw, just me... I am very small. I am vulnerable. In this state, it is easiest to realize my complete dependence on God, and easiest to run away from Him. I can't even breathe without Him.

This is all unfamiliar territory to me. Every possible emotion has run through me over the last two weeks. I don't know what comes next, but I'm ready to figure it out.

Have you ever blown up a balloon and let it go? Did you watch it deflate itself chaotically and fall limp and lifeless to the floor?

That is the best way to describe the last year... not the limp and lifeless part,... but the frantic movement with no direction. To answer Dr. K, I do feel differently in May/June than I did in April. It got warm, the sun started shining and spring happened. Spring/summer/fall are lovely here... but my love affair with snow quickly gave up in favor of brighter seasons. Winter was rough, and I've had a full year of being less than six months into my (new and newer) job, and a full year of being away from friends and family.

Career-wise, my new job is probably (literally) the best thing that could have happened to me. I report to great supervisors in a role I love,... but it's a role I'm completely green at and I mess up all the time. I know being inadequate is part of life,... but I've had little stable ground lately and I'm ready for something solid.

I am moving this summer. I'm leaving behind a good roommate for another, untested one. However, the apartment is great - small but clean. I will have lower rent, a cute backyard, lots of trees, and be away from the freeway (I practically live on the freeway now... not fun).

If you had told me in March 2008 that this is how the next 14 months would play out, I would probably not have come here. However, I'm glad I did it. I don't know why, but I'll tell you when I figure it out.

In all of this, I've asked myself one question: what do I want?

I don't know. I thought I did once,... but I am not sure anymore.

I love Christmas and New Year's.

I love the celebration and remembrance of where we were: family, 2008... and the birth of a Child. It is simple and complex all at once, a representation of why we are how we are. I love the potential these holidays have to clear the air ... acknowledging what has gone wrong and what has gone right. But most of all, I love the hope that follows. I love the hope that our families will carry on despite (or because of) the drama. I love the resolution and determination of a brand new year. I love the hope of Easter and redemption. I also love the lights and the cheer and all the more tangible things we always talk about when we generally talk about Christmas.

This is nice in the moment. I don't always remember. My mind and heart are bumped around by living in this world, and by people who don't have the same priorities. I have to remember when hard things happen and things don't turn out as I planned that there is Hope.